The Outlaw Mom’s Disclaimer: The views expressed in the following review of children’s television programming are not necessarily those of The Outlaw Mom. In The Outlaw Mom’s household, Special Agent Oso is king and it is clear to us that he has cleverly devised a foil of the fumbling, bumbling, cuddly bear in order to hide the undeniable cunning that lies beneath. But go ahead … read on if you want to laugh your socks off.
Okay, so sometimes I wonder about things that some people might find odd. Sometimes, I might ponder what it would be like in a quantum parallel universe where our reality is reversed – would people eat their corn on the cob from top to bottom? If there are 11 known dimensions in the multi-verse, which one are we in? How in the world did that amazing young female scientist figure out where all the missing matter in the universe had been “misplaced” after all these years – and can she find my missing socks?
But, admittedly, some of the most vexing questions since having children seem to pop up when watching PBS Kids, Nick Junior or Disney Junior. Here are just a few that have been bugging me over the last few years. If you’re an exceptional parent whose children have never seen a television, none of these may make any sense to you. And, Bravo! But, if you’re a normal parent who, well, just-needs-half-an-hour-to-do-the-dishes-or-laundry-or-read-a-book-or-cook-or-pay-bills-or-no-it’s-not-a-babysitter-I-just-freaking-need-30-minutes-to-do-something-that-I-want-to-do-for-just-thirty-friggin’-minutes, okay??!!!, then maybe you can send me some that I’m missing.
And here they are:
1) The omni-present question: Where are Max and Ruby’s Parents?
BUNNY-PROTECTIVE SERVICES (BPS) HAS BEEN INVESTIGATING FOR YEARS
2) How did Mama Bear give birth to Sister Bear, shower, change, get her newborn to sleep and lose her distended uterus while Papa and Brother Bear were out chopping wood?
MAMA BEAR HOLDS THE WORLD RECORD FOR FASTEST FUNDAL MASSAGE
3) How did that one-eyed pimply orange cylindrical monster on Yo Gabba Gabba ever make it past the Parent’s Television Council?
DO I REALLY NEED TO EXPLAIN WHAT THIS LOOKS LIKE?
4) Who lets their kid play with a baby jaguar? And, for that matter, where is baby Jaguar’s momma?
YEAH, THINK WE’LL STICK WITH PERSIANS
5) Why doesn’t YehYeh buy Kai Lan another outfit?
6) WTH is a “Uniqua?” ….yeah, yeah, I know, a play on the word “unique”, a tip to diversity…but, I think I’ve figured out the formula:
I CRACKED THE CODE
7) And since, we’re talking Backyardigans, what the heck is Austin supposed to be?)
YOUR GUESS IS AS GOOD AS MINE
8) Why are Goofy and Pete dogs that can talk and walk upright, but Pluto barks and walks on all fours?
YOU KNOW YOU’VE WONDERED THAT SINCE YOU WERE FIVE!
9) Who laced Dino Dan’s carrot sticks with hallucinogens?
I’M SURE THAT WITH A LITTLE THERAPY AND A LOT OF LOVE,
HE CAN LIVE A NORMAL LIFE
10) How did such an intellectually-challenged bear become a Special Agent?
RE-EVALUATED FOR PUBLIC DEFENDERS
11) Why hasn’t Buddy the T-Rex ever tried to eat Tiny the Pteranadon?
12) And who do you think hates themselves more? The Fresh Beat Band or The Imagination Movers?
Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’ve gotta run. SuperWhy is about to come on!
Today, we’re going to unlock the mystery of why Sleeping Beauty can’t wake up
by using our super reading powers.
The Outlaw Mom thanks Tricia, the hilarious and ever-insightful woman behind Critters and Crayons, for guest posting today. After serving as a U.S. Army Officer for nearly ten years, Tricia worked as a research analyst and technical writer for another four. She chose to take a break from full-time work to raise her two toddlers and now tries to put her skills to use as a mom and freelance writer. She writes, researches and reviews family and kid activities in her small border town of Laredo, Texas. She also writes about greener living, cooking, literature, and other things that bring happiness and laughter. Want to read more from this fabulous mom and blogger? Hop over to Critters and Crayons!