{Live} Everything You Need To Know About Childbirth (Sort Of)

April 15, 2012 in All Posts, Parenting

Mother’s Day is coming up and what better way to celebrate ourselves than to re-live our horrifyingly excruciating beautiful birth stories.  We knew that’s just what you wanted to do, so that’s why Tricia of Critters and Crayons, Bridget of Twinisms, and I have come together to bring you the Mother’s Day Childbirth Story Blog Hop.

Where do I even begin?  Well, the most natural thing for me is to go the humorous route.  Sometimes it’s easiest to deal with pain through laughter.

Everything You Need To Know About Childbirth

Before Giving Birth

  • Be Prepared To Change Your Birth Plan.  You can plan for your birthing experience as much as you can plan for and predict the next big earthquake here in California.  Sure, you can stockpile bottled water and dry goods, and create an emergency plan with an elaborate messaging system, but when the earth starts trembling and all hell is breaking loose, good luck finding your way to your buried crackers, let alone remembering to hide under the sturdy desk you’ve perfectly pushed into a doorway.
  • Tend To Your Toes.  As one friend put it, you’ll be staring at your feet a very long time, so be nice to yourself and pretty up the view.  Another friend advised:  wear black socks or flip flops because you will constantly be leaking some type of fluid for days.  She was very very right.  I used these cute peacock-print gold Havaianas during both deliveries:

At The Hospital

  • Real Mothers Use Epidurals, Too.  Don’t be fooled into thinking that you can visualize or breathe away your medically-induced contraction pain.  And if you failed to listen to my advice about Birth Plans and bring one anyway, don’t be afraid to throw that piece of paper out the window when your baby refuses to come out and you have the pleasure of experiencing mega-contractions induced by a Pitocin dosage meant for a laboring African elephant.

After Giving Birth

  • Don’t Even Think of Sleeping.  Even if you’re lucky enough to be in a private birthing suite, the nurses, doctors, and housekeeping staff will be in and out of your room every 4 minutes to ask what you want to eat, whether you need to use the restroom, make you get up to use the restroom, dress your bleeding loins if you’re so lucky to have battle wounds, make you fill out form after form, and remind you to walk your battered body down the hall to take the Breastfeeding Class.

My Childbirth Story  

If you really want to know, the best way to convey Jane’s childbirth story is this little snippet from the experience:

When the doctor came in, it was the male OB/GYN I fired a year earlier. The first – and ONLY – words he said to me during the delivery were, “Oh, it’s you.”

I will spare you all of the gory, gory details that ensued and move on to Sam’s birth, which is perfectly captured by this exchange:

Grease playing on the delivery room television.

Hubby:  “Should we turn it off?”

Me:  “No! I love this part!”

In all seriousness, I did find that

  • Books don’t prepare you for childbirth.
  • Birth plans don’t prepare you for childbirth.
  • Your physician doesn’t prepare you for childbirth.
  • Your own expectations don’t prepare you for childbirth.
  • Nothing prepares you for childbirth.
  • The best thing to do is go with the flow and let whatever happens happen.

… and most importantly, make sure your old, angry OB isn’t the one delivering your baby.

Your turn to share…what’s your childbirth story?  Link it up below between now and May 13th!

It’s a Mother’s Day Blog Hop! My Childbirth Story…

My Childbirth Story Mothers Day Blog Hop

Happy Mother’s Day!

Parents and friends: for more ideas, activities, and inspiration for #RaisingThinkingKids, click on an icon below to join us on Facebook, Pinterest, Google+ and Twitter.

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Chrissy – who has written posts on The Outlaw Mom® Blog – Creative Living in a Conventional World.

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